Cats Have Five Points Of Attack

Well, how many babies do you think she ate?

via sukanto_debnath

Cats earn part of their fortune through their ownership of lint roller companies.  Ever notice that they lay on CLEAN clothes in a basket but but rarely the dirty clothes?  Conspiracy.

photo via http://www.flickr.com/photos/29278394@N00/

I got a call from a friend, “I need help.  I have called 12 people and you are my only hope.”  Sounds like I am Obi-Wan doesn’t it.  Great sales pitch.

It was a Monday afternoon and she knew I had the day off.  ”What do you want need?”, I asked regretting answering the phone immediately.

“I need someone to take my cat to the vet.  I am out of town and the housesitter said the cat is really sick.”  Cat?  Me help a cat.  Doesn’t she read my blog?  Oh that’s right I didn’t tell anyone I know about the site or my irrational fear of cats.

I must have paused long enough that she wondered if the cell phone cut off.  ”You don’t have anyone else that can help.”  Of course she didn’t.  Fine I will help.  Either I will prove cats are fuzzy and happy or that they are the horrible menace.

She gave me directions to her new house and told me where the hidden key was located.  It was only a fifteen minute drive but I was already sweating.  I was simultaneously thinking what horrible things could happen and then chiding myself for being so stupid.

Cats are everywhere, loved by millions.  They are fuzzy, soft and whimsical.  But they scratch the shit of things and people.  They curl up on your lap on a cold day purring on your lap and they walk on the counter after trotting through the litter box.

So I pull up to the house wiping the nervous sweat from my brow.  I get out, pick up the key and walk to the door.  I put the key in the door and call her before I open the door.  Whatever happens I want her to know as it happens.   She’s on the line as I open the door.  Two cats eyeball me and they look exactly the same.  Which one is sick?  Apparently the heavier one!

I have to pick them both up when I don’t even want to be there!  They are walking around and don’t seem to mind me haphazardly weighing them. She doesn’t remember where the cat carrier was put after the move and I can’t find it.  She agrees, not that it mattered, that having a cat wandering around in my car on the way to the vet was a bad idea.

I am in the room where the cat’s eat and there is a platic tub with a cover that should work perfectly.  Yes it has air holes.  I am scared, not sadistic.  While I have done all of this searching and moving around the two cats have been walking around occasionally brushing up against me.

So after we decided to use the plastic tub I emptied it.  I don’t know if it was the noise of the paper I pulled out of the plastic tub but it happened, the cat bit me….to be continued…

I am worried more about cats wire tapping my phone than the government doing it?  Aren’t you?  Fear the cat.

photo via http://www.flickr.com/photos/thetim/2438831919/sizes/m/

You cannot tell me that this does not concern you.  Glowing in the sunlight, hairless, and vampire creepy.

photo via http://www.flickr.com/photos/fleur-design/2555773095/sizes/o/

Come on, you know that cats are connected to aliens.  Just part of the infiltration.  Fear the Cat!

photo via http://www.flickr.com/photos/piez/1473999835/sizes/o/

Stick with coffee.

photo via http://www.flickr.com/photos/binkley27/

photo via http://www.flickr.com/photos/k3k0/

Photo and commentary from http://www.flickr.com/photos/rileyroxx:

Cheers Cartman you little bugger. She doesn’t really like being picked up and well this is what happens if you’re a n00b and try to pick her up.

Do you have to go through classes to pick up a friggin’ cat?

How often does a dog do that?

photo via http://www.flickr.com/photos/greggoconnell